Monday, October 5, 2009

J's Bod


I enjoyed Jennifer's Body. I think. I did.

THAT BAND. omg. yes. Totally perfect. Adam Brody played that guy really well. I like him for no real reason. Maybe because of the OC theme song?

I can't believe I saw a scary movie in the theater. I HAD to though. The movie also HAD include the normi horror movie conventions to subvert them. Not that it was the most subversive movie ever, but it rocked it a bit.

I hated Juno but Diablo's dialogue seemed more appropriate here. Most appropriate for Jennifer, who said most of the almost unbearable lines. There weren't many.

It isn't a total feminist horror movie dream come true but it is something.

That scene where Jennifer is in Needy's kitchen and barfs black hell all over the place. I know what that feels like.

That HELL YES! movie poster...what?

Not articulate enough for a full report. Everyone has conflicting opinions.

Vampires are so in right now.

I walked away from Jennifer's Body last night feeling really confused, but the more I've thought about it the more I've decided that I really love it. It's not that Jennifer's Body is really a movie worth loving per se, because it is conflictual in nature, but in the spirit of campy high school horror flicks I feel it warrants more credit than it may receive. Because the predominant cultural paradigm, that being Men, anything related to masculinity, and the male gaze, do not want to see horny teenage boys being dismembered, especially while they are succeeding at downplaying a currently nationally covered rape trial. (Meanwhile, little girls are abducted every day, fathers carry on incestuous relationships with their daughters, and women are murdered by their husbands only to be identified by the serial numbers on their fake tits and the public feigns upset, but they are not nearly OUTRAGED enough...)

Diablo Cody has utilized her snappy Gilmore Girls/Katherine Hepburn era cinema quality dialogue to much better effect in Jennifer's Body than in Juno. And like the aforementioned Gilmore Girls the movie features Adam Brody as a band leader, except this time he's not a nice boy trying to score a date with Lane by pretending to be a good Christian. Brody does an excellent job at playing a phony-Satanic emo rock star that violates poor Megan Fox as Jennifer, sending her on the highway to hell. The "sacrifice scene" is one of the most ridiculous in the entire movie.

Jennifer goes cRaZy, seeking revenge as an evil undead succubus/vampire babe, feeding on the local population of dumb boys (although not all the boys are deserving, like the totally heinous feeding fodder of Jess Weixler in the equally campy flick, Teeth.) In the beginning of the film it seems as though Jennifer owns her sexuality since it is mentioned she has been a sexualized and sexually active person since she was in junior high. Still, once she's become an undead vampire zombie, one gets the feeling that although she is the master of her sexual universe, all those leering eyes and grabby manhands have taken their toll on her psyche and for this she must tear dudes limb for limb. (It should be mentioned that Megan Fox is famously insecure in real life.) I don't know how I feel about Megan Fox and her freak thumbs, but I have to say, after seeing Jennifer's Body I'm warming up to her. She is undeniably sexy, in a frosty, yet seemingly oversexed, yet cheesy-alluring way.

Jennifer's Body gets right what Juno got totally, totally wrong. I am a just as much a sucker for a feel good indie flick with quick, quirky lines and a coooool soundtrack as the next guy, but all that enticing trickery aside, Juno was an epic bum out with its HAVE THE BABY rhetoric. I mean, Diablo Cody is a feminist, right? And she is supposedly cool and funny and smart, so why was that decision doled out without any larger discussion of its tremendous ramifications? There is a totally awesome safe sex scene in Jennifer's Body, which I couldn't be more pleased with in all its awkward glory. You rarely see that dialog and stupid pause to put on a condom in a movie or on TV, because I guess it's not sexy enough to protect one's self from STDs, HIV or pregnancy. Better yet, the sex is consensual sex between nerdy Needy and her boyfriend. What! Everyone knows nerds don't have sex!!!

Jennifer's Body playfully uses all the conventions of the teen-marketed horror genre without being OTT campy, but for some reason the film still feels a little flimsy. Why? I must say that I am disappointed in the depiction of the relationship between main character Needy (the name says it all) and Jennifer, "best friends since the sandbox". Their relationship is set up to be the classic nerd girl/hot girl jealousy fest, with the duh-factor being that the hot girl has always been a shitty friend and is, in fact, monstrously jealous of the nerd girl for her moral righteousness, her goody-two-shoes behavior and her healthy self-assuredness. I think this is a lame trope and it should be retired, as it is reductive, reinforces girl-on-girl competition and teaches skepticism of lady friends. Discouraging healthy (Keyword: healthy, Needy and Jennifer's relationship can be characterized as anything but...) female friendships is a surefire way to set back any feminist progress.

That being said, I secretly loved the sexualization of the Needy/Jennifer relationship, although I think it stopped short of fully exploring the sometimes implicit lesbian nature of intense girl/friend love. And then there's the whole succubus/vampire as a sexual metaphor thing. Maybe this is a stretch, but I detected a whiff of Daughters of Darkness, Vampyros Lesbos , or even The Hunger. Ian Svenonius writes in his book The Psychic Soviet,

"[The Vampire] seems damned for eternity to be an all-purpose metaphorical sex device, the hapless agent of identity politicians everywhere."

Tis true, and I much prefer Jennifer's slutty succubus to Edward's chaste vampire in the Twilight series, yet another flimsy anti-sex/pro-abstinence ploy in the hands of right wing media propagandists. (Although I must admit that I still love Twilight, all shitty Christian dogmatic trickery aside.)

And I loved Loved LOVED the use of Hole on the soundtrack in Jennifer's Body last scenes.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Wait, is Lil Wayne emo?

I do love the dude, but I think I am offended by this.

But maybe I'm just offended by the way Wayne sings "faaaannnnnccy underweaaaar". Hey, at least he didn't say panties. Worst word ever.

+++ What about all the newspaper clippings magically floating in space around Lil Wayne's head while he's rapping? This is the bizarre pastiche that defines my attraction to Lil Wayne's artistic persona.

I think Lil Wayne's appeal has something to do with the fact that he's basically yr best friend's weird little brother. Like, he runs through the house in a cape and underwear and yr friend is all embarrassed and like, "Wayne, why you gotta be like that?" and he's all "LIIIIIIIIIIKE WHAAAAATTTTTTTT?" fully going mental, still running through the house. What I'm trying to say is that Lil Wayne is an enfant terrible.


I know I should be offended by most things he does, but I think my love for him comes from a place that actually wants to be him. I just want to get to know the real Wayne. I want to spend some time in his messy mind. He is so unapologetic about who he is and what he does and that is incredibly appealing. He's all "I feel like dying" and drinking Purple Drank all the time, like "WHAT OF IT? Mind yr own fucking business." He's telling us that it's ok for us to be freaks with ourselves, because HE'S LIVING IT. I am kind of scared that he will die soon, but on the flip, he could possibly live forever like Keith Richards. Maybe sizzurp is actually fortifying Wayne and preserving all his vital organs like Tutankhamun.

Has anyone ever thought Lil Wayne resembles ET?



I think Lil Wayne is the living legacy to the Castle Of Crazy that ODB built for us. I recently read ODB's biography and it was all at once shocking, funny and sad. It's just those "mad artist" personalities that I gravitate towards...



WU TANG IS FOR THE CHILDREN!

Wayne's World

I have pretty much no interest in Lil' Wayne. I liked watching this video for about 2 minutes and mostly just for him saying "Wayne's World, Party Time- Ecstacy!" and "Typical Day .."and thinking REALLY?. But it is just depressing and annoying. Kind of like Weezy. And you know what? I still kind of fear for his life even though I can't stand the dude.

I heard him TOTALLY late in the game. I kept hearing he was the best rapper. I was in the car with my brother, driving to my dad's house and some bullllshiiit* was in the radio and I ask him, "What in the hell is this?" and he was all "Nen!! This is Lil Wayne how do you not know who he is?" And I did know I just hadn't heard it. He said something really disgusting about getting a blow job in that little bit I heard and I made my brother feel embarrassed by asking if he understood what he just said, and was that OK?

BUT How did he get the best rapper alive title? Totally undeserving. Clearly, that belongs to Jay. Who is so incredible and hilarious that I am able to look past his misogynist songs for a minute which is really rare for me! I don't give him a pass. I would really, really like to talk to him about it. And also talk to him about how I draw basically the same way he rhymes and see how he feels about that. Anyway, to me, Lil Wayne sounds like a very stoned person being coaxed to freestyle at some party from hell by a bunch of other very stoned people who think it is amazing.

Also, Mrs. Officer offends me!! REALLY.I know it isn't cool to be offended but I am all of the time!!! The whole thing - that chorus..ugh...
And I feel like an Aulde Maid for even writing this - but seriously, the Lady Cop is a woman with authority and power over Weez - who then declares himself the boss and has her wearing handcuffs and heels and sounding like siren. That Chorus!

Also, he made this song.

NOT INTERESTED!

Just brushing off my shoulders now and going to sleep.

I will say though, that I did kind of like the remix of a Milli, a Billi. Which is by my man, obviously.



* I can't beleive it but I couldn't find a clip of Daniels saying "This is some bullshit". I had to go to Clay Davis. Am I just bad at youtube?

A day in the brain of Lil Wayne

The manboy is a genius.

Lil Wayne, I was obsessed with U b4, but now I am fully obsessed with U. I know I'm a little late to yr game, but I'm still feeling you, right?

I love that you might be gay.



I love that you pretend to play guitar.


I love yr fancy style.
Just look at that necklace!


And I love that you intend to own property on mars.

Also, the lyrics of Mrs. Officer are incredible. It's the best anti-popo song since "Fuck Tha Police" by NWA (or "I Wanna Know What <3 Is" by Kathleen Hanna as Julie Ruin.) I can't speak to the subject of what it's like to be a young black man in America today but I can only imagine that it's hard and sometimes (most of the time?) terrifying, especially considering how racist police task forces generally are, and that's why this song is so good, because it dismantles the officer and the force she could possibly rain down on Wayne's little ET head with LOVE, all misogynist fantasies aside. It is a smooth, sensitive, grown n sexy anti 5-0 love song.

I have many friends that want to h8 on U, but I think you are very clever and that is why I would like to spend just one day inside yr head. You know how to use double entendre, you know how to use the shit out of an onomatopoeia, and then you drop a little bit of consciousness, just 'cuz.

Ha Ha... And after we got done
I said lady what's ya number she said 911
Haaa... emergency only

Head doctor perform surgery on me
Yeahh... and now I'm healed
I make her wear nothing but handcuffs & heels
And I beat it like a cop
Rodney King baby yeah I beat it like a cop

Ha Haaa... beat it like a cop
Rodney King baby said beat it like a cop
But I ain't tryna be violent
But I'll do the time but her love is timeless
... Mrs. Officer...
I know you wish ya name was Mrs. Carter huh?
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee,
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee (Yeah),
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee, Like a cop car...

You sometimes get pretty abstract and you stop making sense and you stop rhyming, you're just riffin' now, and then you just make growling noises and that's pretty hot.

Oh yea, yr pretty cute too.



WAYNE'S WORLD, PARTY TIME, EXTACCCAY

Monday, March 23, 2009

I'm really into you.

some notes on HJNTIY

This movie was bad (not surprising!) - the kind of bad that drains your brain. I got lost immediately after leaving the theater in a neighborhood I know well and work in and my friend Megan, who I saw the movie with, is now subscribing to a conspiracy theory that these movies are made to make women more dumb. I'll buy it. Why was I compelled to see this movie? Is it a self hatred thing?

I feel like even writing out the full title of the movie is a waste of time.

I think it goes without saying that this movie, and the characters, and the intended audience are DESPERATE! That is the big word. This movie is basically like making a motion picture out of any given issue of Cosmo. Desperate bordering on pathetic and offensive, decidedly unfeminist, but I kind of want to check it out anyway.

Is Ben Affleck depressed? This is the only thing that's really stuck with me about the movie. I am really worried about Ben. He, not his character, seemed totally brutally depressed in the movie. Seeming kind of disinterested and melancholy even when he wasn't supposed to. I checked his wikipedia and he seems totally bummed out in his picture. What's up? J-Lo? His children? Matt Damon being more successful? Something deeper? I want to know. Apparently the fact that he has a child depresses J-Lo. Still wondering about him. I used to not like him at all. Now I really care for the man.

Ben is actually one of the most redeeming parts of the movie. He made me cry. I don't want to give it away (not that it matters, is anyone else going to see this movie? Ever?) but it's the end of the movie..there were some break ups, some reconciliation, some realizing that making someone else happy makes you happy, some compromises and Ben, the saddest man, does something that made me cry. I know it was stupid and they were just playing me. The scene was made to make me cry. I looked over at Megan, who was also crying - Why is this happening?


"It's just a really romantic gesture"!

Anyway, Here are some notes. I can't spend anymore time thinking about this movie to turn it into an essay:

Why is Drew Barrymore in this movie? Because she executive produced it and wanted to be in it acting like she does in every movie (herself) and wearing clothes she likes. And because it allows Ricki from My So Called Life to have a little cameo.

How is I am a Mac an actor? I can't stand looking at him. Very weird head. He is the one giving out golden advice like, "HJNTIY" and kind of driving this movie! Imagine that!

Scar Jo - She is just the worst. Some one really needs to tell her she is not Marilyn. Sorry! If you're looking for a vulptuous retro-ish babe I really don't see any reason to go anywhere but to Christina Hendricks. ScarJo is of course, the bad girl pursuing a married man. She also plays a struggling singer and yoga instructor, which is disgusting. She had an album, remember? If you saw Vicki Christina Barcelona, she is pretty much the same character but worse.

Why is dude from Entourage in the movie? I don't know. Kind of unnecessary.

Is Jennier Aniston kind of playing herself? She's really wanting to get married, her boyfriend of many years (Ben) doesn't believe in marriage. She is continually a bridesmaid..


Jennifer Connelly is really beautiful!

Bill Z'bub (Bradley Cooper) is there and has this exchange with ScarJo:
SJ: You have an ass that makes me want to dry hump.
BZB: I think I just fell in love.

THEN Scar Jo jumps in a public, gym pool. Naked.


There's no sex in this movie, which is a guess surprising? It's implied, it starts, but it's never seen.

The all white cast of this movie lives in Baltimore, this really cool place where everyone has a really nice apartment!

The apartments, by the way, where totally wack. I've never known any single men in there 20s -30s to have super designed apartments that look like a silver version of the Bridge on Enterprise in Star Trek TNG or a men's razor commercial

Every apartment had a lot of undergraduate painting major Art Skool Art in it. Is it supposed to be MICA student work they bought on the cheap? Or is this what Art looks like now? Sad, existential Ben points out a one point that a particular painting was kind of depressing because it looks like a deflated breast. I was thinking the same thing. Love you, Ben.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT! They basically ask you, "Hey, mind if I have an American Spirit? Want one?"

Ginnifer Goodwin's character was the way way WAY over the top Single Straight Woman Overly Eager to Find a Mate. She is continually putting herself out there, doing "stupid shitty things"(her words) and acting completely crazy. And, I mean she is acting crazy but everything she is thinking and doing is a hyperbolic version of something you and I have thought/done. So that's embarrassing. With her character there is an inevitable mental checklist of some maybe insane things people do to CONNECT. You know it is stupid and not real. But still, I'm thinking - I've done that. I've thought about doing that. Wondering...are they going to order another drink?

They make GG, whose characters name is GiGi wear really weird frumped out fug clothes, too. Why? She is so cute.

What a horrible movie! I just wasted your time if you read this.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

"Get Yourself Some Ribs and Some Ice Cream Because You’ve Just Been Dumped"

I don’t know where to even begin writing about He’s Just Not That Into You. Let’s see… … … How about the bizarre playground intro featuring Ugly Kid™ that segues into different groups of women consoling each other of their respective prospective dates inattentiveness leading to one of the most offensive depictions of women of color I’ve ever seen in a film: African women surrounded by goats, grounding meal, clickclacking their way through a dialogue about a guy losing her “hut number”. WHAT! It was from this first OH SHIT moment on that I knew that we, as viewers, were basically in for the blurst.

HJNTIY was a serious braindrain. This is the kind of movie that almost makes you wish you hadn’t wasted your time watching this movie. It wasn’t remotely feminist, nor did it pretend to be. The writing basically made every character out to be the most annoying or pathetic person ever.

Ginnifer Goodwin’s character was insufferably embarrassing. I think it must take courage to play such a terribly wimpy, cloying character. Most of what she says/does is a hyperbolic form of some totally embarrassing thing you’ve probably said/done trying to attract the attention of a potential date, but it’s a repeated, relentless type of embarrassment pumped on A-rod type roids. I feel bad that she basically got the shit-end of the movie’s wardrobe too. The director must have told the stylist to dress Ginnifer’s Gigi in the most fug, marmie clothing possible. And her character’s name is Gigi for fuck’s sake! Gigi is the dumbest name ever. Gigi is what WASPy old ladies name their little fluffy white dogs. The resolution of the movie is supposed to make the viewer feel like Gigi finally gets what she deserved all along, the redemption for her being such a sweet and pure type, but that is just Hollywood trying to 5 card shuffle you, because in my opinion her emotional idiocy is pretty inexcusable. That goes the same for just about every character in HJNITY.

It is pretty fairytale unbelievable that I’m a Mac suddenly comes to his senses and is all “Gigi, I love you. I’m sorry that I’ve been a total boner all along!” This type of unreal romanticism is precisely my major gripe with "da movies". I think it promotes a very damaging ideal to those types with undiscerning eyes.

Jennifer Connelly, an actress I never seem to think about, but is unbelievably beautiful, is supposed to be the grounding, stable force amongst the gaggle of weakling women depicted in HJNTIY, but I reached a certain point in the film where I wanted to scream at her DTMFA, to quote relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage, who probs should have been consulted in the writing of this peice o'shit, who probs could have saved HJNTIY from its ugly fate as a peice o'shit. In the film she’s married to Stella shorts’ Bill Zebub, who is basically a bobo version of Will Arnett. Whoever handled casting seriously effed up by not casting Will Arnett.

Bill Zebub is seriously hot for Scarjo’s character, which is basically just her Vicky Christina character redux. Face it, Hollywood, SCARJO CAN NOT ACT! She is an actress that coasts by her milkmaid hoots and stupid pouty lips and has lucked out in her choices of roles/directors she’s worked with so that now she has indie cred. She will forever play the adultress, an oversexed, emotionally cold character that is out to bone married dudes/steal her friend’s love interest, etc. She did have some of the best lines in the movie though.

Scarjo to Bill Zebub on why she can’t resist his married-manly man appeal: “[You have] An ass that makes me want to dry hump.”

(What? You want to dry hump his ass, Scarjo?)

To which Bill Zebub responds: “I think I just fell in love.”

(Really? Is that what it takes to fall in love? The possibility of dry humping butts? Wow, men really are just boners.)

At this point Scarjo dives into her gym’s pool naked. Ewww! I think that breaks some kind of gym hygiene rule, no?


Then there is Entourage Dude who is almost entirely superfluous. His character seemed more like a plot device to include the gays, as he panders to them in his real estate business, which brings me to BIG OFFENSIVE MOMENT #2 in HJNTIY: two prospective gay clients try to explain to Entourage Dude that it is easier for gay men to pick up on when a potential date is 'bout it 'bout it because if gays look at each other for more than three seconds IT'S ON, time to go to the bone zone. I think this is simplistic at best and it perpetuates some nasty gay stereotypes amongst hetero losers. But maybe I am just being a PC superfreak.

Drew Barrymore’s character is actually totally superfluous. There is virtually no point to her being in this movie except that it added just a little bit more star power to this trashy waste of time. It makes sense that the two most superfluous characters in HJNTIY end up together. It all equals up to a giant, yawning "WHO CARES."

Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck are the only mildly redeeming actors here. Jennifer plays a character that I can only imagine is quite similar to her normal self, desperately wanting to get married, wondering why she's always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and Ben plays a somewhat depressed dude (Is he depressed irl? Is it because he has a wife I hate for no reason and an uggo baby?) who is just trying to be real with himself and stick to his guns. It is just one of those fundamental disagreements in a relationship that takes some time to achieve the eye-to-eye. In any event they seem to be the only ones with any sense about them. Their on-screen chemistry resulted in me crying at the dumbest movie ever. It was an incredibly romantic scene, loaded on at the very end to pull out all the stops and give emotional viewers like me the weepies. We can only hope that all us women find a partner who will make such grandly romantic gestures and treat us nicely, right?

The all white cast of characters in HJNTIY live in a Fantasy Land called Baltimore where everyone works for weekly's and advertising and lives in newly renovated luxury lofts decorated by Crate n Barrel. This movie could have been saved by a few more jokes and some cameos from the cast of The Wire. I would have liked to see Entourage Dude trying to sell a condo in the gay district to Omar, or Bubs begging for change outside Drew Barrymore's place of work. Another instance of YOU SERIOUSLY MISSED THE BOAT, HJNTIY.


All in all, this movie doesn’t teach you anything that reading Cosmo hasn’t already. It is full of the clich├ęs that popular culture has already forced down your throat or hit you over the head with one million times in regard to men/women/sex/heteronormative relationships. It’s replete with the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus rhetoric that women are dumb, sexually frigid, or whore-y, and they don’t know how to interpret men’s intentions ever, and men are basically just boners.

I keep wondering what part of my reptilian brain does this movie and movies of its type appeal to. Maybe it's the part that hates myself? It feels a little bit like self punishment. One of the real reasons I wanted to see this movie, aside from the frothy appeal of a chick flick, and the seriously loaded-for-absolutely-no-reason cast, was that when the book (from which HJNTIY was adapted) was released, I was attending university and I was in a wishwashy college relationship with someone whom I still love very much as a friend, but was not really suited for as a lovematch. At that time my very outspoken and opinionated feminist grandmother who watches a lot of Oprah and has a lot of time to her self to just think, took me aside and said, “Perhaps you should read this book. It seems as though ***** is not that into you.” Regardless, I did NOT read the book because I thought it sounded terribly trashy and dumb, but my grandmother’s words resounded with me and it wasn’t that much longer before that relationship went the way of the dinosaurs. This book was co-written by two people who also wrote for Sex and the City, one of which is a gay man who I think must hate women. The world has perfected an infinite number ways to make women feel like complete shit and this movie is one of them. The movie incorporates some of the stylistic elements of early episodes of SatC, and by that I mean there are many asides by random work-a-day everyman/woman types, breaking down the fourth wall, and weighing in on such hot topics as Why he/she hasn’t called, Why you are no longer having sex with him/her, Why he won’t ask you to marry him. It is generally pointless and ineffective to say the least. HJNTIY lacks any of the appeal of SatC and Patricia Field’s interesting wardrobe choices.

I do subscribe to a conspiracy that HJNTIY was intended to have stupefying, mind-erasing qualities because both Jen and I were so blasted at its end that we got lost somewhere on the edge of Brooklyn Heights and could not find the metro for the life of us, which resulted in us Gossip Girling it home in a cab.

Don't see this movie or you will need to
GET A BRAIN, MORANS.