Vicky Christina Barcelona otherwise known as Woody Allen's Dreams of Threesomes

Last week Jen and I went to see Woody Allen's new film, Vicky Christina Barcelona.

Wow.

Woody Allen is a fucking pervert jerk and I hate him.

I don't even know where to begin. How about this...there were several moments towards the end of the film where I was leaning into Jen's ear whisperning, "Are you serious???" or mouthing "This movie suxxxx" repeatedly.

Walking home from BAM, I had to reproach myself. Was it really as terrible as it felt while I was stuck in my theater seat? No, probably not. I mean, I get it. Woody Allen is typically existential, kind of posing the preposterousness of human condition and the things we do/the situations we create for ourselves or find ourselves in. Like, to quote D. Higgs, "love is love" and it's love whether it's a ménage à trois or a commitment in the form of a legalized, institutionalized marriage, what have you. It's what you make it, whatever you choose to commit yourself to, because what is a relationship except a promise that you uphold, a commitment that you make, over and over again?

But, underlying that, I feel like Allen is a woman-hater, or rather, such a woman-lover, a womanizer, if you will, that his female characters always come off as cheap, petty, insane and inane, the kind of yesterday's papers that are easy to forget and dismiss.

Overall, Vicky Christina Barcelona basically felt like a playground for Woody Allen to live out his "two girls for every guy" fantasies and gape at Scarlett Johansson's stupid pouty lips and big hoots.

UGH.

I have something to tell you, Woody Allen, girl CAN NOT act. Why does she carry so much cred? Don't understand, never will. Her role fell absolutely flat, just killed it, made the whole god damn movie so painful to watch.

And poor Rebecca Hall, casted basically to fill the role of Scarlett's wet blanket, brunette lookalike. The old adage is true, according to VCB; Blondes do have more fun.

Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz were a pleasure to watch. I agree with Jen's observation that Cruz proves better when acting in Spanish as opposed to English, but she is just so mesmerizingly beautiful. Call me out on my double standard, I don't care.

I think my chief complaint, however, is the blatant overuse of linen in the costuming. Really? Do people really wear linen around the clock in España? I'm all for easy breazy comfort, and I can only imagine how hot summer can be in Barçe, but need every character in VCB look like they are walking around in potato sacks?

I rest my case.