Vampires are so in right now.

I walked away from Jennifer's Body last night feeling really confused, but the more I've thought about it the more I've decided that I really love it. It's not that Jennifer's Body is really a movie worth loving per se, because it is conflictual in nature, but in the spirit of campy high school horror flicks I feel it warrants more credit than it may receive. Because the predominant cultural paradigm, that being Men, anything related to masculinity, and the male gaze, do not want to see horny teenage boys being dismembered, especially while they are succeeding at downplaying a currently nationally covered rape trial. (Meanwhile, little girls are abducted every day, fathers carry on incestuous relationships with their daughters, and women are murdered by their husbands only to be identified by the serial numbers on their fake tits and the public feigns upset, but they are not nearly OUTRAGED enough...)

Diablo Cody has utilized her snappy Gilmore Girls/Katherine Hepburn era cinema quality dialogue to much better effect in Jennifer's Body than in Juno. And like the aforementioned Gilmore Girls the movie features Adam Brody as a band leader, except this time he's not a nice boy trying to score a date with Lane by pretending to be a good Christian. Brody does an excellent job at playing a phony-Satanic emo rock star that violates poor Megan Fox as Jennifer, sending her on the highway to hell. The "sacrifice scene" is one of the most ridiculous in the entire movie.

Jennifer goes cRaZy, seeking revenge as an evil undead succubus/vampire babe, feeding on the local population of dumb boys (although not all the boys are deserving, like the totally heinous feeding fodder of Jess Weixler in the equally campy flick, Teeth.) In the beginning of the film it seems as though Jennifer owns her sexuality since it is mentioned she has been a sexualized and sexually active person since she was in junior high. Still, once she's become an undead vampire zombie, one gets the feeling that although she is the master of her sexual universe, all those leering eyes and grabby manhands have taken their toll on her psyche and for this she must tear dudes limb for limb. (It should be mentioned that Megan Fox is famously insecure in real life.) I don't know how I feel about Megan Fox and her freak thumbs, but I have to say, after seeing Jennifer's Body I'm warming up to her. She is undeniably sexy, in a frosty, yet seemingly oversexed, yet cheesy-alluring way.

Jennifer's Body gets right what Juno got totally, totally wrong. I am a just as much a sucker for a feel good indie flick with quick, quirky lines and a coooool soundtrack as the next guy, but all that enticing trickery aside, Juno was an epic bum out with its HAVE THE BABY rhetoric. I mean, Diablo Cody is a feminist, right? And she is supposedly cool and funny and smart, so why was that decision doled out without any larger discussion of its tremendous ramifications? There is a totally awesome safe sex scene in Jennifer's Body, which I couldn't be more pleased with in all its awkward glory. You rarely see that dialog and stupid pause to put on a condom in a movie or on TV, because I guess it's not sexy enough to protect one's self from STDs, HIV or pregnancy. Better yet, the sex is consensual sex between nerdy Needy and her boyfriend. What! Everyone knows nerds don't have sex!!!

Jennifer's Body playfully uses all the conventions of the teen-marketed horror genre without being OTT campy, but for some reason the film still feels a little flimsy. Why? I must say that I am disappointed in the depiction of the relationship between main character Needy (the name says it all) and Jennifer, "best friends since the sandbox". Their relationship is set up to be the classic nerd girl/hot girl jealousy fest, with the duh-factor being that the hot girl has always been a shitty friend and is, in fact, monstrously jealous of the nerd girl for her moral righteousness, her goody-two-shoes behavior and her healthy self-assuredness. I think this is a lame trope and it should be retired, as it is reductive, reinforces girl-on-girl competition and teaches skepticism of lady friends. Discouraging healthy (Keyword: healthy, Needy and Jennifer's relationship can be characterized as anything but...) female friendships is a surefire way to set back any feminist progress.

That being said, I secretly loved the sexualization of the Needy/Jennifer relationship, although I think it stopped short of fully exploring the sometimes implicit lesbian nature of intense girl/friend love. And then there's the whole succubus/vampire as a sexual metaphor thing. Maybe this is a stretch, but I detected a whiff of Daughters of Darkness, Vampyros Lesbos , or even The Hunger. Ian Svenonius writes in his book The Psychic Soviet,

"[The Vampire] seems damned for eternity to be an all-purpose metaphorical sex device, the hapless agent of identity politicians everywhere."

Tis true, and I much prefer Jennifer's slutty succubus to Edward's chaste vampire in the Twilight series, yet another flimsy anti-sex/pro-abstinence ploy in the hands of right wing media propagandists. (Although I must admit that I still love Twilight, all shitty Christian dogmatic trickery aside.)

And I loved Loved LOVED the use of Hole on the soundtrack in Jennifer's Body last scenes.

a convo of important thoughts

4:05 PM Jen: james franco with a date http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2009/02/23/movies/0223-REDCARPET2_12.html

4:06 PM me: ew
i'm gonna kill that bitch

Jen: seriously
a blonde
we have no chance

me: how dare she attend the oscars with my boyfriend?!!

Jen: MY boyfriend!!
OURS

me: maybe they are just friends?

Jen: weird he didn't ask mike to ask both of us to go with him!

me: maybe she is his sister or cousin?

Jen: probs not

4:07 PM me: that is disappointing

Jen: he seems like "hey check out this babe i am with!"

me: well, i must admit i spent the better part of an hour trying to find out if he was currently "involved" last night

Jen: there's not too much info like that on him around

me: no

Jen: i guess he's too busy being in class to get in those magazines

me: it was all old girlfriends n stuff
yea

4:08 PM he's too busy being smart and cool
and totally fucking dreamy

Jen: yeah

me: would you try to talk to him if you saw him

Jen: i made up that he is vegetarian too
i don't konw
probably not

me: i think i would

Jen: what would you say "oh, hey! you're my celebrity crush!!!"

me: maybe i wouldn't say something but i would try to wink at him

4:09 PM or is that too pervy?

Jen: you would do that think where you make a peace sign and stick your tongue out through it

me: definitely

Jen: and he'd be like "oh, hey! you seem cool. what's up?"

me: i would blow him a lot of kisses

4:10 PM Jen: i would pinch his butt

me: i would flash my titties at him!!!!!!
hahahahaha

Jen: hahah

me: would you dump alan for him
these are the insane thoughts i think of all day

Jen: i think that too

me: the weird inane things that cross my mind

Jen: i told alan i would have to date him one time at least
and alan is like, what are you talking about?

me: me too
4:11 PM one date

Jen: it is really crazy how obsessed with him i have become!

me: to see if there is chemistry

Jen: he was so babes in milk!
right
just to check it out

me: i know
he is just so charming

Jen: did you watch pineapple express?

me: yes
so funny
4:12 PM i mean, it's not an incredible story anything

Jen: i still think seth rogan is annoying and his whole thing is tired
but i liked it

me: but there are so many classic lines

Jen: and loved JF

me: you can tell they are just riffing
jf is so cute when he talks about his bubby
you can tell he is a really sweet person irl

4:13 PM Jen: totally
irl the cutest
did you hear him on terri gross
?
i couldn't work, i was too busy being charmed and in love

me: a few weeks ago
or today?

4:14 PM Jen: yeah months ago even

me: yea
i heard it

Jen: when milk first came out

me: it was great
he paints in his free time
that's what he told her
i wonder what he paints

Jen: monkeys in trees

me: he is a half swedish half portuguese jew

Jen: sunsets

me: pugs n kitties

Jen: cats

4:15 PM me: how hot is that mixture
half swedish half portuguese jew
way exotic
this convo should totally be in teen beat zine

Jen: we should write for them

me: dear teen beat,
4:16 PM we will write all james franco related features
love,
streets
jen n megan

Jen: love, streets
we will also write about how ugo pretty much everyone else is
penelope cruz won
that's cool
but i thought it was weird bc that movie was so eeehhh
4:17 PM but she was great.

me: she was
she deserved it
pedro amoldovar wrote this really cute blurb about her in the ny times zine a week or two ago

Jen: cute
4:18 PM i hope scarjo never wins anything

me: basically saying that she is the brave continuation of a history of mediterranean women who basically yell their lines
the passion
like sofia loren, etc

Jen: she is great

me: i hate scarjo

Jen: me too

me: she can not act

4:19 PM Jen: not at all

me: i hate anne hathaway also for basically no reason

Jen: she always wears really ugo clothes to places, too
me too
WELL
i heard!
she used to do it to someone someone that worked at stripes went to college with
and they said she was bad at doing it
A hathaway
FYI

me: i really hate natalie portman too, but it comes and goes
4:20 PM well, caitlin meissner's old roommate kimmy's boyfriend cody hung out with scarjo

Jen: i don't like her either. but then i think, why don't i like her? she is cute vego

me: because apparently he was friends with tegan and sarah because he met them on makeoutclub.com
and scarjo is tight with tegan and sarah

Jen: woof

4:21 PM me: yeah, i think that too about natalie portman

Jen: could you imagine scarjo calling you? in that dumb voice

me: because i like that thing she did on snl
and i liked her short in that movie paris, je t'aime
so i like natalie sometimes
but most of the time i h8 her

4:22 PM Jen: whatevs

me: zac LOVES natalie and scarjo
but i think he loves them to piss me off

Jen: scar jo is inexcusable

me: because i love so many celeb boys
my dad also loves scarjo
eww
so gross
4:23 PM i love jf and emile hirsh and cillian murphy and luke wilson
jf the most tho
luke wilson is kind of old and can't act
oooo, i love this french actor louis garrel
i like dark haired, kinda handsome jew-y looking guys

4:24 PM Jen: jew bombs

me: like zac, only celebs

Jen: i like spock
http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/go_fug_yourself/scarlett_johansson/

me: see i like keira knightly and think she is a bobo natalie portman
only british and cooler

Jen: look at how bad she always looks

me: i can't believe natalie portman was dating devendra banhart

4:25 PM Jen: did they break up?

me: idn
back to the ny times pic of jf and date
4:26 PM i like that they identify her as "guest"
do you think it's one of his classmates at one of the many universities he attends

Jen: who knows
maybe
she is very attractive

me: we need to crash that class

Jen: and skinny
and wearing a really expensive dress

me: yeah
that dress is nice
4:27 PM but she is kinda "birdy" looking
i don't think she is that special
just blonde and skinny

Jen: she looks like american beauty
the girl

4:29 PM me: yeah
she looks like a bratz doll
4:31 PM god
jen
us weekly and ok and people need to hire us to be the commentators on all these award show and celebs
4:32 PM we are knowledgeable and funny and our opinions MATTER

Jen: it would be great
if we were the next go fug yourself!!
4:33 PM well
we obviously will have to blog about celebs
and just post gmail chats

me: twin blog has potential

4:34 PM Jen: i have the flu
i have just been looking at celeb pix in bed ALL DAY
me: :(

4:37 PM Jen: do you want to go to HJNTIY w or thus?

me: yes
we will eat lots of popcorn

***Spoiler Alert***That’s it-she dies from a self-induced abortion?! WTF?

Two nights ago Jen and I went to see “Revolutionary Road”. Originally I had no interest in seeing this film. I made fun of it over and over again, complaining that the trailers gave absolutely no information as to what the movie was about. But then I watched part of it over the shoulder (with no sound) of someone on the MetroNorth train to New Haven the weekend I went home for my birthday and I was intrigued. It was the bar scene and Kate Winslet’s bouncy ponytail looked so appealing, bouncing around on her back and shoulders as she sexily danced with her neighbor in the red light. And low and behold, Kate Winslet and her bouncy ponytail won the Golden Globe* for best actress and then the commercials started to reveal more dialogue/plot line. Ooo, I just had to see this film!

I had high hopes that this film would turn out to be a sleeper hit, a hidden gem. My hopes were dashed. I could not really tell what the point of this movie was except maybe to make women look like miserable nags or loonies, or maybe to illustrate the point that everyone was miserable in the marriages in the 1950s as evidenced by Kathy Bates’ husband turning down his hearing aid to effectively tune her out at the movie’s end. I guess it was a meditation on the psychoses of the era: the not so distant memories of the war, the nuclear familes, the suburbanization, the keeping up with the Joneses, the sameness of the jauntily suit-and-hatted men stepping off the commuter trains pouring into Grand Central from Connecticut and New Jersey to file off to their jobs in marketing and advertising, and the lunch time highballs. The relationship between Leonardo DiCaprio, as Frank Wheeler, and Winslet, as April, didn’t seem all that different than my grandparents’ unhappy marriages. Their marriages ended just as tragically, in the particular way that tragedy struck those relationships that approached what should have been their golden hour in the mid-50s.

Winslet’s April was so sad. She was sad in the way that a woman who was bound by her times is sad. Unable to reasonably leave her husband, most likely unable to be gainfully employed in anything other than the secretarial sector, if that, unable to access birth control, and unable to terminate a pregnancy without risking death herself. She was trapped. And when she tried to express her unhappiness and raised her voice about the lack of love in her married life, she was made to look like a fucking madwoman. A woman can only be one of two things: a nag or a crazy. Wait, she can be a bitch too. A bitch, a nag, or a crazy. Lots of possibilities here! Lots of ‘em!!! Also, when her character went as far as to “be bad” and she ended up doing it to her married neighbor in his car, it was made to seem as an act of revenge for her husband’s philandering and that it was a physically uncomfortable and regrettable act that made her feel ashamed afterward. In fact, whenever there was a sex scene in the film Winslet’s character did not seem especially emotionally present or sexually satisfied.

There was one point toward the end of the film that I had no idea where the plot was going and it made me so nervous. I kept wringing my hands and, turning to Jen, whispered, “What is going to happen?” I was pretty sure either Leo or Kate was going to kill the other –or- Kate was going to kill herself –or- Kate was going to run away with the kids who were almost never in the scene, anyway. For a stay-at-home 1950s housewife, Kate’s character did very little mothering. In any event, the ending of Revolutionary Road was not all together unexpected but not entirely predictable either. This movie was not very interesting, yet still pretty sad.

Luckily I made it home in time to watch Lost!

*What are the Golden Globes all about? It is the award show warm up to the award show season and the prizes are decided upon by the Hollywood foreign press…what does that even mean? Who is the Hollywood foreign press anyway? Like, the actual foreign press?

Ted, not Sylvia

Sylvia, the movie, sucked. Listen hear, babies, and listen good. The downlow on John Brownlow, the dude responsible for the screenplay, is that he's definitely not a feminist and he was definitely not savy to the life & times of Ms Plath when writing that bullplop.

Plath, as played by Gwyneth Paltrow (whose taste I'm starting to question), is portrayed as a completely pathetic, sad sack of a woman who totally went nuts and offed herself after suspecting, then confirming, her husband's dalliances. Little mention of her history of mental illness, her artistic struggles, the fact that her husband roughed her up and apparently destroyed her journals postmortem so that no one would know the half of it. Woops, just forgot, whatevs.

Part of the problem, in my opinion, is that the story just drops you in her Cambridge years so there is so much neglected subtext. And almost immediately we find Sylvia at a party where she falls all over Ted Hughes after gushing on about how great his poetry is. I don't doubt there was some steamy hot passion there with a dash of sublime appreciation and career envy to boot, but I also don't think Sylvia would be so transparent and uncomplicated. Not that I knew the broad personally, but her writing evokes some depth, so why would her character be so shallow? Touched, she was, but I doubt Plath was petty.

Not to mention that Gwyneth, as Sylvia, is all rosy and refined for the first half of the movie, dressed entirely in pink and pearls, hair smooth and curled, lips glossed, and consequently, as she goes crazy, her hair gets long and fried like a poodle and she starts wearing entirely drab earth tones and looking sallow. The visual metaphor is perhaps a little too obvious.

However, there is some nice use of slow-mo in this film.

Also, I must add that Ted Hughs is played by Daniel Craig. I've been pretty indifferent to Craig, but in a recent conversation, when asked what I think about him I decided that I think he is handsome and a good actor and all that, but there is something so BRUTAL about him. Like, he looks like he would be pretty nastymean IRL.

I vote that Jen May remake Ted, I mean Sylvia. As long as she uses the slow-mo.

Vicky Christina Barcelona otherwise known as Woody Allen's Dreams of Threesomes

Last week Jen and I went to see Woody Allen's new film, Vicky Christina Barcelona.

Wow.

Woody Allen is a fucking pervert jerk and I hate him.

I don't even know where to begin. How about this...there were several moments towards the end of the film where I was leaning into Jen's ear whisperning, "Are you serious???" or mouthing "This movie suxxxx" repeatedly.

Walking home from BAM, I had to reproach myself. Was it really as terrible as it felt while I was stuck in my theater seat? No, probably not. I mean, I get it. Woody Allen is typically existential, kind of posing the preposterousness of human condition and the things we do/the situations we create for ourselves or find ourselves in. Like, to quote D. Higgs, "love is love" and it's love whether it's a ménage à trois or a commitment in the form of a legalized, institutionalized marriage, what have you. It's what you make it, whatever you choose to commit yourself to, because what is a relationship except a promise that you uphold, a commitment that you make, over and over again?

But, underlying that, I feel like Allen is a woman-hater, or rather, such a woman-lover, a womanizer, if you will, that his female characters always come off as cheap, petty, insane and inane, the kind of yesterday's papers that are easy to forget and dismiss.

Overall, Vicky Christina Barcelona basically felt like a playground for Woody Allen to live out his "two girls for every guy" fantasies and gape at Scarlett Johansson's stupid pouty lips and big hoots.

UGH.

I have something to tell you, Woody Allen, girl CAN NOT act. Why does she carry so much cred? Don't understand, never will. Her role fell absolutely flat, just killed it, made the whole god damn movie so painful to watch.

And poor Rebecca Hall, casted basically to fill the role of Scarlett's wet blanket, brunette lookalike. The old adage is true, according to VCB; Blondes do have more fun.

Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz were a pleasure to watch. I agree with Jen's observation that Cruz proves better when acting in Spanish as opposed to English, but she is just so mesmerizingly beautiful. Call me out on my double standard, I don't care.

I think my chief complaint, however, is the blatant overuse of linen in the costuming. Really? Do people really wear linen around the clock in España? I'm all for easy breazy comfort, and I can only imagine how hot summer can be in Barçe, but need every character in VCB look like they are walking around in potato sacks?

I rest my case.